His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
