I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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