i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
