the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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