bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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