her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
