I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
