Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
