I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
