I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
