Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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