Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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