Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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