no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
