I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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