i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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