when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
