I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
