If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
