oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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