I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
