Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
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Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
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which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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