how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Is it penis luge time yet?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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