She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
