I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
