I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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