My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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