laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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