high people should be assigned attendants
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
