Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
