My cat gives me a boner
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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