we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
