if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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