Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
