I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
