I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
