did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
