Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
