I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
