a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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