I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
