we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
