fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
