The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
