I wish my penis had an off switch
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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