If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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