I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
There's even glitter on my cock...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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