You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
