i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I need moral support for this bender
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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