true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
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He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
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Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
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