i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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