If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
