I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.