I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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