the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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