all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
