First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Randomize
